temperance It took me a long time to get into a relationship; I wanted to find someone. Perhaps the suggestion of planning an event night or game night type of thing where each family member gets to plan one a week? I'M GETTING FED UP WITH MY FRIEND'S CRUSH. I enjoyed it so much, I went both mornings. I realized at a young age that compromise was an important thing in a relationship. Shes all the better for it. One centering dynamic is to be each other's 'coaches,' and to offer each other feedback and support in managing the kid with the behavior problem." Dealing with your distress, your kid's distress,. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her.. LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. I even managed to convince him to watch Firefly (he loves Jayne. But since I knew his motivation for liking things was less about me than it was about his own inadequacy, and I didnt actually like him as a person. That means theres a common ground there, even if its the size of a postage stamp. Engage in any behavior that gaslights my daughter in law. First let me say that my daughter is getting married and her dad is no help. 2. I was just trying to say basically the same thing, but it got all garbled. LW, your daughter sounds awesome. My ex-husband had custody for 6 1/2 years. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,, Yep. Are they driven by some internal fear or do they just get off on the game? bittergaymark You just have to learn to ignore that. I have to keep an eye on myself to make sure Im more mom than friend. So I think there is a bit of a content based bias at work in some of this stuff you were already doing worthwhile things, so his dismissal of them was, in addition to being mean/cruel, just plain wrong (as in incorrect/inaccurate.) I inherited a great taste in music from my dad. I didnt get the sense that the LW is only liking or disliking things to get closer to her daughter. Sorry but I dont understand why you married him. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? Additionally, she may worry that if you stay together, shell have to deal with the same unhappy marriage later on in her own life. Hold on there, NKOTB are STILL awesome! Oh, and he thinks TV can actually teach somebody something more relevant than the fact that its both rather silly and stupid to be a Vampire Slayer Not too mention angst-filled. But I also honestly think that the husband/dad might not be such a jerk face if he wasnt 100% put on the back burner. Shes all the better for it. Let them know that, in your eyes, they are precious and beautiful beyond . But science fiction and fantasy can deal with the mature themes with a nuanced perspective- some of the stories in Star Trek were written to to deal with historical events like WWII. His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). What is arguable? Here are 16 ways husbands can unintentionally push their daughters away: It can be difficult to maintain a good relationship between your husband and your daughter, but there are a few things you can do to help. I think I read this differently than Wendy. I dont see the comparison between telling a small child about healthy eating habits and forcing them to eat veggies and this situation. I remember how happy my dad was to spend time with me and to share something with me that he was so passionate about. bittergaymark My sister and I grew up reading scifi and fantasy. | Awesome show full of information. Does Your Partner Drive You Nuts? The Passive Aggressive Personality And of course. Oh, This Old House. And thats always stuck with me, and I find myself thinking about it a lot whenever theres something I dont want to do but that I know is the right thing. He wants to force his daughter to conform to the kind of person who enjoys the things that he does, and cutting her down for not being competitive (which usually means involved in team sports) and forcing her to do homework to his liking is not the same as an involved parent working to help his child become well rounded. She cant meet him halfway if he is putting her down. He wants her to watch history and science shows with him, and go hiking, camping and backpacking. I think it would seem less like forcing if he wasnt being a dictator about other things I mean maybe if she could listen to her music or a Harry Potter book on tape in the car on the way camping the daughter would be in a better mood , Marjoralynnia (This led me to be labeled as the quitter.) Often, in their own backgrounds, they have seen a too-good-to-be-true martyred parent in a devoted relationship with a partner who would not acknowledge their caring. Ross says it definitely would have beenif not for his tendency towards horrific sea-sickness. And this is his responsibility too. Like I said, I consider myself a mature, intelligent adult, yet I read People magazine. They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. Your well-intended desires to connect in rational and predictable ways gave way to superstitious behaviors: "If I just pay close enough attention to all the previous interactions, I can control the outcome by doing everything just right. Like making sure the sun comes up by accurately participating in the correct rituals. Instead of, I want you to read this by this day, and then well have a talk, how about, I found this and thought it was interesting. Others say no because the spouse is the one person who will always be there for you, no matter what. I think my dad was guilty of that sometimes and he really regrets it. Mommy and daddy love each other. How to Make a Girl Chase You Over Text After Sex, mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter, reason is that hes trying to save his daughter, My Boyfriend And His Daughter Act Like A Couple (10 Solutions), Boost Your Friends Mood with These Short Positive Affirmations, Why Some People Are Jealous of Your Success, 110 Millionaire Affirmations to Attract Wealth, 10 Ways To Get a Busy Man to Make Time for Love, 51 Emotional Wellness Goals to Transform Your Life. And I got into the Beatles at a VERY young age I used to listen to cassette tapes before I fell asleep, but got bored with the same-old Sesame Street and Little Mermaid, so I asked them for something new. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. The dad cant have it both ways being rude while demanding respect and attention. Im guessing that you probably make comments about him every so often to your daughter. Or other strategy games (Small World, Ivanhoe, Nuns on the Run) might be a great way for all of you to connect. I made him put on 2 more episodes before we stopped because we HAD to go to sleep. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. I consider myself mature and intelligent, yet Ill still watch mindless shit sometimes. Heck, where would we be without Star Trek? More of a this is silly than yall are stupid eye roll. Because your daughter may eventually outgrow her fangirl phase, but if you do your job right, shell never outgrow being a strong, confident, interesting and interested person. lets_be_honest I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy.. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children. My point is, you have cultivated these interests in your daughter. And then, the next morning, he was an angel and brought me coffee in bed. Unless its, you know, the lastest Madonna tour or album . However, he is an adult and should know that assignments will not help them grow close. And something about him wanting the daughter to be more competitive just struck me the wrong way. Though they might not always like what they hear or see, they are not typically faced with unexpected surprises or unpredictable outcomes. Okay, maybe I wouldnt want my 12 to read that) they could go to a history museum that has exhibits about the War of the Tudors that partially inspired the novels. It must suck to have go some where with the two of them, and because your wife wants to be best friends with your daughter, you probably cant even talk with her while they are together. Is Your Partner Driving You Crazy? | Psychology Today I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. 6napkinburger Show interest in his interests. It was nothing but glassy-eyed stares and yawning. I just wanted to point out that even though the LW says the dad rolls his eyes and makes comments about how their behavior annoys him, we dont know the context of that. Belittling her favorite things will only cause more resentment and make her even less likely to want to spend time with him. Where is the suggestion to ask the daughter what she may want to do? As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move. Not for a minute did I think she was missing out on anything because of not having a dad, as she had my dad and my brother to fill those fatherly roles. lemongrass How can I tell my husband he's a terrible driver? July 2, 2013, 11:05 am. It should be a crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. He rolls his eyes not at her accomplishments, but her timewasters A rather big difference. To me, there are some red flags in this letter; the fathers ridicule of the daughters interests, and his labeling her as lacking initiative because shes not into the same things he is, jump right out at me. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. This kind of self-awareness is never easy, and it is likely that he may need some professional help to overcome whatever it is that prevents him from opening up with those closest to him. I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. "I cant win for losing. July 2, 2013, 1:27 pm. Be happy that your daughter has a father who wants to be involved in her life. Husband treats 15 year old step son badly. I actually found her on Facebook a few years ago, lol. This can cause a lot of tension in the family. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. painted_lady Seriously, though I obviously realize the error of my ways now My point being that while my dad exposed me to things that interested him, he also jumped feet first into things that interested me and NEVER EVER made me feel silly or stupid because I was a 12 year old who liked things that other 12 year olds did. July 2, 2013, 3:46 pm. For starters, almost NONE of the things your daughter is a fangirl of are even vaguely STILL hot among her peers. The whole time I was reading the letter, I was thinking, Shit if he acts like this toward his daughter, how does he treat his wife? Its a really nice time to shoot the shit and get your head clear fishing can be very enjoyable, plus you have a free meal at the end of it! You know what, I thought you were going to lay in hard when I first started reading, and I was thinking to myself Oh fuck, hes going to hit on all her worst innermost thoughts and shes just going to run screaming away from DW but frankly, I think you are completely right. Jordan was my fave back in the day. When I was growing up, I always watched The Andy Grifith Show, My Three Sons, and Leave it to Beaver, because those were the shows that were on, and I love those shows, but my father didnt force me to watch them, it was just what was on TV at the time. If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. If youre having problems with your husband because of how he treats you or his parenting style, then you need to handle it with him, not by forming an alliance with your daughter against him. Well, I feel like I may offer a different perspective on this. Last Friday night, he worked late and came home exhausted. If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. No, but we went, because thats how we spent time together- projects and DIY fixes. After all, they are two different people with two different perspectives. Yes! And to be 10, 11, 12, 13 and know that my sheer presence could make my dad so happy? Driving a car in dreams can reveal thoughts and feelings about who or what is controlling your life, how in or out of control you feel, and how clear you are about your goals or destination in life. Yours on their own will just isolate her as, frankly, many out there find fangirls and fanboys annoying. My mom begged me to stay close so I went to one about 3 hours away but it was in the city she grew up in and all of my family was there. Definitely. When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. And totally agreed on the book front. :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. (There was plenty of that too, but I felt like dismissing my nerdy interests hit the hardest because I felt like science-fiction, fantasy, history, video games and books taught me a lot of personal lessons about life, loss, and persevering. You raised a very good point that I didnt even mention. I was born in 87 so grew up in the 90s, yet was still exposed to a LOT of 80s pop culture through reruns and radio and older peers. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. Here are a few things you can do to try and improve the relationship between them: Its not uncommon for daughters to want their parents to divorce. Agree i cant imagine being receptive to spending time with my dad when it consists of him mocking what my 12-year old self likes AND assigning me reading assignments. haha. My father would have considered my sister and I uninformed if we held an opinion that he didnt share, even if we weighed both sides and did research on the issue. Would have I rather been at the mall or curled up on the couch with a good book? It should open up LWs eyes to the reality of the situation. my parents made us go to church every Sunday then come home and watch meet the press. If the emotional and sexual connections were rewarding, you may have been intrigued by the Houdini-like escape pattern. Cardinals games and all. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. Otherwise theyll never be able accept the ribbing and teasing that happens in life. Plus, I like Rick Castle. Most certainly. Also, by disparaging the hobbies of the daughter, he is also disparaging his wifes interests. Just saying, theyre definitely still popular. Isolation One of the most common tricks of a mentally abusive partner is to isolate their victims from the rest of the world. July 2, 2013, 3:14 pm. Most of which are tucked away out of sight. Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. So, here is the thing. Really so good and so true! Do you think he liked listening to my fangirlish squees? When you did actually accurately zero in once in a while, you may have thrived enough on the intermittent reinforcement to hang in for subsequent disappointing rounds. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. Generally, Ive found that geeky fandoms have more respect for and interest in learning than, say, those who follow the Kardashians would. Get out the frying pan. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. Its her birthday today So Im taking her out for a steak dinner and then were going to watch fireworks (which she has decided the city has put on for her). I would let him know that you are going to encourage her to hangout with him more, but he needs to also every once in a while do something she loves. And dont EVER talk negatively about one spouse to your children. Even now, as an adult, when he says he doesnt care and I can pick whatever, I know that isnt really true I put on say yes to the dress and hell be like, ok, well, not this. Additionally, she may worry that a new man in your life will try to take his place and replace him entirely. It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. going to museums? But he also doesnt need to pretend to like whatever she is in to. I dont understand the amount of hating on fandom today. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. I notice my 14-year-old daughter and her 17-year-old brother, enemies of old, enjoying a detente in the TV room over Xbox and popcorn. Your daughter may feel like you deserve to be happy and, as a result, may want you to leave your husband if hes not making you happy. Im not even saying all of the things listed are mature and intelligent, but that people can be smart and informed and still like these things. 11 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Damage Their Children - Divorced Moms He is dedicated and hard-working. On the other side, my sister hates sports and has ZERO in common with my dad and I would say prefers my mom to him. I assumed my mom was always just mom like. I remember our reaction (me and my bro) when we found out she liked Led Zeppelin . My father (and mother, if I want to be totally honest) would criticize anything that my sister and I had an interest in, regardless of how much value it did or did not have. Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. You sometimes got what you needed but not what you expected in unpredictable moments that made no sense. Express your love and offer your help as opportunities arise. Now a couple of days ago I made a mistake and got behind the wheel of a car after having a few drinks and got a DUI. When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. (I should note now that I have 2 sisters and a brother, but this is before the younger two were born. Grow up, already. Im not saying that its ok for parents to openly derisively mock their children or laughing at their failures or their humiliation. Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. So insightful! Its a source of strength, comfort, and love. July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. , so i guess it cuts both ways. YUCK. The letter says the daughter cant watch what she is interested in when he is around. Um, not so much. But you know what? Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. I promise, the daughter will remember and cherish the efforts. July 2, 2013, 2:33 pm. So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. But I cant help but think if you were only into cheerleaders, makeup and boys, that it would have been GOOD of your stepfather to encourage you to read more, even if it meant saying something along the lines that youd regret not knowing more about the literary world or about current events. We watched Eureka last year and our daughter loved it and talked about it with her friends. One of her friends had already seen the series and the others wanted to come over and watch the show on Netflix. I think it still disappoints him that I dont enjoy it, and havent watched it all. bittergaymark Mythbusters and other shows have done a number of episodes on sci-fi meet reality, too. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! I mean freak out and force your kid to read something if they cant, not if you dont like that they choose to read Harry Potter in their free time. Criticism gets internalized so much more easily at certain ages and coming from certain people something everyone should be more aware of. I have to just try harder.. On a side note, two weekends ago I went on a family camping trip. Its rude to disparage someones interests, roll your eyes at them when they talk about them, tell them to stop talking about it because youre annoyed. No we're not on speaking terms after he decided to sell his grandmother's home (my wife's mother) instead of keeping it. And musicals should be revered as an art form. Your Husband & Daughter Don't Get Along: How to Resolve - TRN My point is that he is sort of entitled to have a threshold of finding the interests of a 12 year old girl annoying. My partner teaches high school students and they went NUTS for Sherlock this past year. Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. I think theres something to be said for being well-rounded. I was bookish, nerdy and fangirly so I really connect with the LWs daughter. So now our oldest daughter is 16 and . A my worldview is the best worldview type of parenting works out for no one, as my mother found out. Some article about historical events that are echoed in Firefly, for example, or some new technology that brings us one step closer to Star Trek, or the genuine history of witchcraft that was included in Harry Potter. Wendy, I too got the us against him mentality from this LW. Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. Finally, try to model the behavior you want to see from your husband and daughter. I know that we all love the music from our generation. Here are some signs that your father had narcissistic tendencies or was an outright narcissist. About Us . Hmm, Im getting a different vibe from this letter than Wendy is? I hope that you can in the process of all this also try to strengthen your marriage, because when your daughter gets new interests in two years or doesnt want to hang out with her parents or even when she moves out of the house, your husband is going to be the one who youre left with. 6napkinburger I forgive you!. By contrast, my dad wanted me to play softball and had no interest in the books I used to read. He is into science so a consultation with a trained professional may be exactly what he needs. Other times it means standing up for yourself and telling both sides what you think. It also says the father is critical about her lack of competitiveness, initiative, and how she is uninformed. My husband's daughter is coming to visit. But talking about that kind of shit non-stop is just BORING. Meanwhile both Buffy and Firefly are all ancient history as far as teens are concerned Worse, Buffy is VERY annoying to anybody with an even vaguely high IQ. He didnt tell me The Right Stuff was a terrible song, he tried to play me some Beatles or Eagles to open my mind. By all accounts this 12 year old has healthy, varied, age-appropriate interests and Im not sure why dad cant serve a little honey with his vinegar. If the later is the case, I would seriously consider whether or not husband wants to change and work on himself and if not, I would maybe get out. But I would say that Dad needs to try not to do the whole disparaging remarks thing. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? Then ice cream after. But those are not her interests right now, although she does participate when he asks her to. July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. I actually agree with this wholeheartedly, and Im happy for you, your partner, and your little girl! But he can be a great dad regardless. A lot of them could lean into things he likes Firefly could lead into an interest in science. His ambition and strong work ethic filled you with admiration. July 3, 2013, 1:13 am, Wait, is it possible to watch Sarah Michelle Gellar try to act and NOT roll your eyes?